Friday, September 2, 2011

Old Demons Die Hard

I have been overweight my entire life.
At least it seems that way.
In school, I was the fat kid.
I was also the weird kid, so I didn't have many friends.
It was a lonely existence.
Don't get me wrong, I did have SOME friends, and the ones I had were great.
But you know a teenagers mind.
The "popular" crowd would often not give me the time of day.
If they did, it was to laugh, point, call names, tease . . .
Not all of them,
But a lot of them.
The ones that didn't just ignored me.
They pretended I didn't exist.

I revisited that old pain, long forgotten last night at my daughter's cheer practice.
All the other mothers were huddled together in one area.
I was alone on the bleachers.
I've tried to approach them before,
But was kind of ignored - blown off.
I'm just not one of them.

You see, they're all thin, beautiful, and are well-off financially.
And I'm, well, NOT.
I once again felt like the fat weird outcast that no one wanted to talk to.

I know I am better than that.
I know I should be nicer to myself.
I know that I am a child of God and perfect in how He created me.
But sometimes those old demons you thought you'd exorcised years ago come back to haunt you.
And you wonder if you will ever feel like a "normal" person again.


Shrinking Jeans said...

I am SO sorry. And I have been in that same position many times. This is the first year that I haven't felt like an outcast. But that is only because I am coaching. I know it is hard in the moment, but try to keep in mind that you really don't want to be a part of a group or friend to someone that is so shallow....

You are a beautiful person. Inside and out. They may be thin and what society deems as Beautiful. But they are ugly on the inside.

Aimee said...

You know, this is one of the very reasons why I call you life-time friend and sister. I noticed you in 8th grade long before we met. I watched the 'popular' crowd treat you so poorly it infuriated me. But what 'they' didn't realize was that in you was a friend that would always be faithful, a friend that would never lie, a friend that would be a shoulder-to-cry-on, a crime partner, and someone who would do all in her power to know you inside and out. I know there is nothing none of us can tell you to make you feel less affected by those snobs....but you are loved and more worthy than they will ever be.
If I lived closer I'd be in those bleachers with you being so loud they'd want to leave!

I LOVE YOU SISSY! (please don't ever change)

sexy grandma said...

As your mother, this breaks my heart. But as your Friend, know that I to lived through the same thing. Having and Anxiety disorder did not help things so I know how you feel and have walked in your shoes. I have had some of those perfect people come to me and ask forgiveness for their actions. That also gave me time for reflection. People don't know they are doing what they are doing unless you let them know they are doing it. How you let them know is by being the better person and not showing your apprehension at their actions. Many of the ones that were rude as children still are rude but now I look at them as shallow and poor in spirit, and God will take care of them in the long Run. So Love those that are Loving and Love those who aren't they are going to need it worse any way.

Heather Edick said...

Some people just don't know real beauty when they see it, what fools!

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