Hi, I'm Jennifer. And I Am A Food-a-holic

This post was inspired by this post by my good friend Teri at her blog, Mirrors Never Lie. Check her blog out and give her some love!


Addictions are strong in my family.
Alcoholism runs on my father's side.
I battled my own addiction demons in the forms of marijuana, alcohol, and nicotine.
All of those addictions were easy to break compared to this one.
Food addiction affects millions of people across the globe.
And most of them don't even know it.

My own addiction blossomed sometime in my childhood. I had a rough one. We won't go into details here. I began to eat for comfort at a very, very young age. I ate, I gained weight. I became an overweight child. Perhaps I was even an obese child, I really don't recall much about that.

I do remember being mocked and scorned for my weight. This led to depression. Which led to more eating. More weight gain. More taunts. More depression . . .
And thus the cycle began.
I remember at one point being so depressed that I though about suicide.
A lot.
So I ate more to stifle these nagging thoughts.
And the cycle continued.

I began "self-medicating" with smoking at around 14 or 15. A few years later I would supplement that with marijuana and alcohol. All the while trying to stifle the feelings of depression.

When I quit drinking and smoking pot (I continued smoking for several more years), I returned to food. I gained close to 70 lbs within a year.

When I quit smoking, I turned to food even more.
I had no more addictions to turn to, I had to have SOMETHING, right?

After the birth of my second child, I hit 310 lbs.

I am now learning that food is the ROOT of my problems, NOT the solution.
I am learning that eating for comfort will only cause more problems.
I am learning that God made my body specifically so that I would know when to eat and when to stop, and I am learning when to listen to those triggers.

They say that a food addiction is even worse to deal with than smoking or drugs.
I believe it.

Here's to being losers in 2011!!

Blogging My Way Through "Body Clutter" - Chapter One

Is food the enemy?
Well to some people, it can be.
Let's face it, it is an addiction that plagues more Americans than any drug on the market.
That's what this chapter faces.

We all associate memories to food, even those who aren't addicted - the Thanksgiving turkey, making cookies with mom, grandma's coconut cake . . . It's only human. But the difference between that and a food-addicted person is this - the food addict will take that memory and run with it. If it's a joyful memory, that food becomes attached to that joy, and we addicts have to have more of it especially during stressful times (still not convinced that food can be an addiction?)

For Marla, this addiction is Macaroni and Cheese. For Leanne, it's chocolate. For me, it's any food I can get my hands on.

Do I have a specific food memory? Well, I have several, but when it comes to "comfort food" I honestly don't have that one food that triggers me. My food addiction stemmed from a traumatic childhood that I won't go into detail about here. Essentially, I subconsciously put on weight for a purpose. Sadly, it didn't work, so I ended up continuing to eat to fill the painful void. I started putting on large amounts of weight by the time I was seven. Yes. SEVEN.

As a latchkey kid, I was never given limits on what I could or couldn't eat after school. I'd eat two mini pizzas, a whole box of macaroni and cheese, or a half a bag of potato chips for an after school snack. And then at dinner, I'd eat an entire plate filled to the rim with food, simply because my older brother would take whatever was left, and not leave anything for seconds or leftovers (I guess that was a form of self-preservation).

After I moved out of the house, I went to Austin where I got into some heavy legal trouble. Additionally, I was living with a (so I thought) friend that was manipulative and verbally abusive. In fact, she was the reason for all the legal trouble. After a year, I moved back home to my folks, but the depression and worthlessness were still in tact - full force. Again, I ate. By the time I was 21 years old, I was 240 lbs. Years passed, and I continued to put on weight - slowly but surely. When I had my daughter at 28 I was about 265. I stayed around the same weight until I met my husband about a year and a half later. After we moved in together and we got married, I gained even more weight. When I became pregnant with my second child, I was up to 280, roughly. After his birth, I went into a period of a kind of postpartum depression, and within five months time, I had put on 30 lbs to reach 310 lbs! I think I just now realized that I was depressed. Looking back now, I must have been. My house was terrible, I looked awful, I slept all the time, when I wasn't sleeping I was eating . . . I was depressed for sure.

Food had become my enemy, but I wasn't ready yet to relinquish all control.

Something Leanne said was that she finally realized that "It's only food! It isn't Love! It's not God!"(8). It would take me a while yet to find that realization.

Want to know exactly what Marla and Leanne say in their book? Buy it for yourself!

Blogging My Way Through "Body Clutter"

I got a new book in the mail.
It's called Body Clutter, and it was written by The Fly Lady (Marla Cilley) and The Dinner Diva (Leanne Ely). Now, if you don't know who these two remarkable women are, you need to go check out their web sites. Go on. It's okay, I'll wait.

 . . . .

Alrighty then, now that you know how wonderful they are, let me tell you about how I ended up with this book.

If you've been following this blog, you know my struggles. I'll lose, then I'll gain. I'll try something, then something else, then something else . . .

If you've noticed I haven't been blogging here in a while, it's because I haven't really had much to blog about. It's kinda been the same thing ever day - I eat, I sleep, I weigh. Some days I lose, some days I don't. Then I started reading reviews on Body Clutter. It's not a diet book, first of all. It's more a book on how to deal with YOURSELF than anything else, and how to declutter your life (and thus your body). That was one thing that drew me to it. Second, I LOVE Marla Cilley more than you can possibly know. Seriously folks, she is my Lady Gaga. So I ordered it.

The thing about this book is that Marla and Leanne aren't preachy - at all. They don't point fingers and say mean things. They've BEEN there - and this is their story. Through telling their stories, they help you to write your own, so to speak, with exercises at the end of each chapter. The idea is that you keep a journal to write these answers in so you can go back and revisit them.

This is not a book about dieting, it's a book about changing your attitude about yourself.

About halfway through chapter 3, I got a stroke of genius. I have had bloggers block for this particular blog for a long time, so I decided why not use that to my advantage? I have decided that over the next couple of months, I am going to blog my way through this book. I will publicly journal my answers to all of the exercises, and share my successes and frustrations, joys and flops. I will not blog every day, simply because time will not allow that, but I will blog at least 2-3 times a week.

I would love for you to join me. If you would like to, you can get the book here or here.

So . . . Let's get started!

Finding What Works for You

There's a old TV theme song that says "What might be right for you, might not be right for some". It's talking about life, and how we're all different. Well, that saying also works for dieting.

Looking back over this blog, I've realized that I have been through every major diet "fad" that's out there. And they haven't stuck. Why? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's the attitudes that go along with some of them, maybe it's the negativity that I have experienced with some of the people involved in them. Either way, going from diet to diet is not only ridiculous, but sabotaging. I found something that worked, but instead of sticking with it, I changed to something else. Did it work too? Nope. In fact, it made things worse. I gained weight. So then I went to something else. Didn't work either. Then the next thing. And the next thing. And the next thing.

So, after much prayer and thought, I have decided to go back to the one thing that I know for a fact did work for me.

Calorie counting isn't for everyone. I will never say that it is. Some people just don't do well on it. And that's okay. But, I happen to be one of those people that needs to count calories. I have found that when I am aware of what I am eating and how much, I make it a point to do better. It's like a game or puzzle, and I love it. So I'm back to counting the calories.

Yes. I know I preached against it in an earlier blog. But I have found that in my quest for knowledge and information, there is just too much information. You really can't go by what everyone says - even so-called-"experts". All they want to do is get your money. So, figure out what it is that you need to do for you to lose weight. Low cal? Low carb? Vegetarian? Whatever works for you, find it and STICK WITH IT.

My daily calorie goal is around 2000 right now. That means I can eat 1800-2200 a day. I need to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise daily. I need to drink more water and less diet soda (although one soda with a meal or as an evening snack is okay). I need to focus more on what is important in life - my God, my Family, my Friends.  As my amazing mother-in-law said "Food is not my focus".

This blog is going to evolve into something different. I will continue to chronicle my journey, but in the process I will also do a monthly weigh in, post healthful recipes, and give my calorie counts and exercise logs for the week. But I will no longer be promoting any one style of weight loss. Because I have found that what's right for others, isn't for me. And what's right for me, might not be right for some.

PLATEAU BROKEN!!

After LITERALLY months of being the exact same weight, I have finally broken through my plateau!  I lost three pounds this week!  So what did I do?

Well, I stopped eating when I wasn't hungry.  Is it REALLY that simple?  YES IT IS.

Dr. Rita Hancock (I've mentioned her before) wrote the book "The Eden Diet" where she discusses just that.  According to her (and she uses scripture to back this up) the bible gives us all the instruction we need on eating.  I had never thought of it that way, but she's right.

Of course right now I sound like an over-zealous paid actor, right? Perhaps I should give it a longer time period before I call "success!"  But all I know is this - I wasn't losing weight, and now I am.  There was only one thing that changed.

People tell us all the time that we have to eat every two hours to keep our metabolism going!  You know what I say to them?  HOGWASH!  You're telling ME that I have to eat something I don't like every two hours weather or not I'm hungry?  I don't think so.  I like Dr. Hancock's theory better - eat smaller portions of food that you actually LIKE - but only when you're hungry.  If you're still hungry, eat a little more.  If you're not hungry (now here's where the challenge comes in) STOP EATING.

**DISCLAIMER:  I am a Christian - I started this as a weight loss blog for Christians.  If you're not a Christian you may want to stop reading right now, or turn away from the screen.**

My whole life has revolved around food.  When was I going to get it, how much of it I was going to eat.  I focused on meal planning, recipe writing, watching food network, reading cookbooks.  The whole purpose behind the Eden Diet is different, though.  Instead of focusing on FOOD (what and how much you should and should not eat) you focus on GOD.  Thanking God for the feeling of hunger as a sign when to eat.  Praising him for the glorious food that you are about to receive.  Enjoying the food to His glory.

When you "diet", your focus still stays on the same thing - food.  You worry about how many calories, carbs, or fiber is in something.  You check fat content and concern yourself with things like "trans fat" and "cholesterol".  But is that really where your focus should be?

Our focus should be on God every hour of every day.  We should do ALL things for his glory from housecleaning (blogged on that one on The Supermom Blues) to hobbies, to reading, to even cooking and eating.  God should be on our focus at all times.  Once we regain sight of that, we can do anything.  Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".  It's time - for me anyway - to "let go and let God".  To thank Him for every aspect of my life and allow him to rule my life.  I need to remember that GOD is in control of me, NOT FOOD.


That is a lesson for all to take with them when it comes to weight loss.  We allow the food to control us, when we need to be the ones to be in control of the food, and relinquish our control over ourselves to God.

When the GOOD cravings kick in . . .

You know, every so often, I CRAVE healthy food.  Like this weekend, for example.  DH and I were camping with a few of our best friends, one of which takes over the cooking for everyone.  He is an amazing cook.  But what he choses to cook isn't exactly the healthiest of foods.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his sausage and potatoes, hamburgers, sausage and beans, and so-on. But this weekend, I was actually CRAVING healthier fare - fruit, turkey burgers, salad . . . THAT'S what I wanted to eat. Not so good for me this weekend (although the food, as always, WAS amazing), but it made me realize something. When faced with the prospect of not having a choice in the matter, I CRAVED the healthier things.  This tells me something about my body - I want NUTRITIOUS food - not junk (although I did crave a Twix today like you wouldn't believe).  I am starting to hear what my body wants and needs and relate to food from that perspective, rather than from the perspective of comfort or boredom.  I like this change.  I welcome it, and thank God for it.  I am ready for it!

So . . . What CAN we eat?

I am food-obsessed.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I love to cook, I love to write, read, and re-write recipes, I love to research food trends and fads.  And, obviously, I love to eat.  Recently I've gotten on a kick of watching documentaries about food.  Lately I watched "Food, Inc.". This movie really got me paranoid.  Then I started REALLY thinking . . .

Experts are all different.  And they have different viewpoints.  One expert says to not eat fat, one to not eat carbs.  One says to only eat whole, organic foods, while another one will tell you that processed foods are not only okay, but good for you.  There's the south beach diet, the Atkins diet, weight watchers, spark people, the grapefruit diet, the Eden diet, and so on, and so forth.  The point is they all say something different.  If you look at what all these doctors say and put it all together you are left with only one question.  So . . . What CAN I eat?

Bread and pasta are a given now days.  Unless it's whole grain, don't eat it.  So, no white anything.  Oh, wait a sec . . . Wheat gluten is bad for a lot of people now . . . okay, so only products made with corn, rice, or soy products . . . Oh, can't do that b/c all these farmers are using pesticides and genetic enhancement on their corn and soy beans! Hmm . . . well, meat isn't bad, right?

Well, for years "experts" have been saying to not eat fat, so we'll start with that.  No fat.  That means only lean meat such as poultry breast, lean beef, fish, and lean pork. Oops!  Wait, can't eat that because it's processed in factories that support cruelty to animals and their products are all genetically enhanced.  Leaves meat off the list. Fruit and veggies!  Surely THOSE are good for me!

BUT only non-starchy ones which leaves off potatoes, bananas, plantains, apples, corn, beans, and peas.  Oh, yeah, those silly pesticides are back.  And the genetic enhancements.  Well, dang, leaves off vegetables.

So, to solve this we can just eat all organic right?  WRONG!  Guess what?  Those "organic" companies are still allowed to use a certain amount of chemical pesticides, and for the ones that use only organic pesticides, well, some of those are just as dangerous as the chemical toxins!

So, that leaves us at square one.  What's a girl to do?

Some advice?  Fuggitaboutit.

If we spend all our time worrying about what we're eating and where it comes from, we'll go crazy.  I'm not saying that you should stock up on Twinkies and totino's pizza.  But I'm saying that when it comes to healthy food, you can't worry about that kind of thing or it will sabotage your efforts.  Great rule of thumb is this, "If it grows in the ground or you can pick it off a tree, chances are it's good for you."  That's a great place to start.  Focusing on that, and on the foods that God provided us is far better.  God gave us wonderful meats, vegetables, and fruits to love and enjoy.  He blessed us with the knowledge to create things such as flours and cheeses out of these.  Eat what God gave us.

Sure, you should still stay away from the really processed foods most of the time, but every once in a while a girl's gotta have a slice of Meat lover's pizza or a piece of four layer chocolate torte. If you eat well most of the time, and splurge every once in a while, you'll do so much better.  Don't limit yourself to what you can eat, what you should eat, or what you NEED to eat.  Focus on your hunger and God's bounty.

Where was that saddle again?

So, did I accomplish my goals last week? Well . . . no. But I DID improve! Which, for me, kinda says a lot.

Lose two pounds? Nope. Didnt' even lose one.

Exercise twice? Not twice, I did once, though.

Two bottles of water every day? Does sugar free tea count?

Read lables and measure? Uh . . . no. Well, I read labels.

Am I disappointed? Well, okay, maybe a little bit. But I am also proud. Why? Well, first of all, I DID exercise one day. That is something I haven't done in months. Also, I have cut down on my diet coke consumption considerably. Rather than drinking it all day, every day, I have limited myself to one a day. And stuck to it! So, in the darkness there is still a shimmering light.

So, my goals for this week?

Lose 2 lbs.

Exercise 2 x's this week

2 bottles of water every day

Read labels and THINK about measuring.

By the way, my future sister-in-law, Daniella? She's going to be my inspiration. She lost SIX pounds last week! That means I have a little catching up to do, doesn't it?

Accountability . . .

You know what makes me madder than anything? When people don't hold themselves accountable for their weight issues.

"Boo-hoo . . . I have a glandular problem" says one person as they shove an extra large sized candy bar down their gullet.

"Waah, my mother and father were fat" says another while loading up on a supersized Big Mac meal from McDonald's (with the tell-tale diet coke).

"It's not my fault - my mommy made me clean my plate and only cooked deep fried pork fat" says another while eating a bag of pork rinds (in essence . . . deep fried pork fat).

Okay, folks, KNOCK IT OFF!!!

I AM FAT.
I MADE MYSELF THIS WAY.
I CHOSE TO EAT CHOCOLATE CAKE, ICE CREAM, PIZZA, DEEP FRIED, BREADED, AND/OR FATTY FOOD AND LOTS OF IT.
I CHOSE TO NOT STOP EATING WHEN I WAS FULL.
I CHOSE TO EAT ONE MEAL AT 5:30 AND THEN ANOTHER ONE AT 9:00.
I MADE THESE CHOICES. NOT MY GLANDS. NOT MY PARENTS. NOT MY HERITAGE.
ME.
FAT, OBESE, 300 POUND ME ME ME ME ME!!!

Look, I know we can't all be Kate Hudson/Cindy Crawford/Hillary Duff or whoever your personal latest "it" girl is. Quite frankly, I don't want to be. I want to be healthy. In order to do this, I have to hold myself accountable for everything I do (or don't do). If I eat that extra helping of mashed potatoes IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If I eat that entire cheesecake in one sitting IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If I chose to NOT get on that bike today IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If you can't hold yourself accountable for your actions, then you WILL NOT BE SUCCESSFUL!! Not just in weight loss, but in LIFE as well!!

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

Why Wynonna, Why??

I recently saw a commercial that REALLY upset me. A LOT.

I am a HUGE Wynonna Judd fan. I have been ever since I was Emily's size. I love her. When i was younger I wanted to BE her. But I was really disappointed when I saw her beautiful face on a commercial for Alli - a new diet drug.

In my opinion, when you turn to diet pills and/or surgery (Editor's Note: **for those that are MORBIDLY obese, this doesn't apply to you. Just to those that only need to lose 50-70 lbs**), you are saying "I give up" or "I don't want to work for it, I just want to be thin". Regardless of how many people it has "helped" or what their "guidelines are" or even if they are approved by the FDA or not. Bottom line is this. As soon as you are OFF the pills, the weight WILL COME BACK. Your body will become accustomed to the pill, and when you come off it, it won't be able to handle things on it's own. It has been scientifically proven .

I am so sad that Wynonna has fallen into this trap.

Oh the mighty temptations . . .

Bacon. I love it. I can't help it, it's probably one of my favorite foods. And I'm sorry, that crap that Butterball tries to pass off as "Bacon" just doesn't cut it.

Chocoalte. Another one I can't live without. Yummm . . .

It has been three weeks without bacon. At the end of week four I'm treating myself to a giant bacon sandwich. Yum.

So what does this have to do with dieting? Aha, dear reader, I shall tell you!

COMPLETE DENIAL LEADS TO FAILURE

This is something the diet companies don't want you to know. They want you to THINK you have to deny yourself in order to lose weight. That way, when you fail, you come right back to them to lose weight again. And again. And again.

The way I see it is this - you HAVE to allow yourself a treat every now and again. Okay, so maybe chocolate every day isn't the solution, LOL. But a bacon sandwich once a month IS. Knowing that I will be able to have that sandwich in one, two, three, or four weeks is enough to keep me going. If I save up all those months worth of "bacon points" every month, it is going to be SO worth it!!

That works on a daily basis too. I eat my egg white and turkey sausage sandwich or bowl of oatmaeal in the morning knwoing that I will be able to have those cinnemon rolls or that ham and cheese omelette on Sunday.

Now, I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. I still screw up. Somtimes daily. But I'm learning. I'm learning that it's not about counting calories or points. It's not about consistantly denying myself over and over again. It's about eating 80% good, wholesome, healthy food on a daily basis, getting in at least 15 minutes of activity a day, and drinking at least three bottles of water a day. I don't have any idea if I've lost weight over the last couple of weeks - I haven't been on a scale. But I do know I feel better. I'm more active. I'm more awake. My back pain has diminished greatly. This, right now, is enough for me. In a couple of weeks when I'm used to all this, I'll add something more. Maybe another 15 minutes of activity or 3 bottles of water. Maybe more fruits and veggies and less meat. We'll see.

For now, I'll just fight the daily temptations that rear their ugly heads.
Darn you, chocolate!

The fat that leads us . . .

I had my final piece of crispy bacon . . .

It was soooooooo gooood . . .

The problem is, now that I know that was my LAST ONE (not ever mind you, just on a daily basis), now I want more!!

I have to admit, though, I am looking forward to Canadian Bacon and Egg white omelettes again. Call me crazy, but I actually enjoyed those things. Especially with a lot of pepper. Don't know why, but pepper makes the omelette!!

This weekend and the week that follows are going to be challenging though. I have Ronnie's babies all week - well at least for two days while he's at work. I don't THINK it'll be that bad . . . but then, I've thought that before.

So I have to work up a schedule for them too. And an eating plan. Is it fair for them to have cereal and milk while I have Canadian bacon and egg whites . . .

Wait, did I really ask that question? LOL - DUH . . . but then, if it's cold enough maybe I'll make us all oatmeal! Mmmm . . . yummy cinnamon oatmeal . . .