Blogging My Way Through "Body Clutter" - Chapter One

Is food the enemy?
Well to some people, it can be.
Let's face it, it is an addiction that plagues more Americans than any drug on the market.
That's what this chapter faces.

We all associate memories to food, even those who aren't addicted - the Thanksgiving turkey, making cookies with mom, grandma's coconut cake . . . It's only human. But the difference between that and a food-addicted person is this - the food addict will take that memory and run with it. If it's a joyful memory, that food becomes attached to that joy, and we addicts have to have more of it especially during stressful times (still not convinced that food can be an addiction?)

For Marla, this addiction is Macaroni and Cheese. For Leanne, it's chocolate. For me, it's any food I can get my hands on.

Do I have a specific food memory? Well, I have several, but when it comes to "comfort food" I honestly don't have that one food that triggers me. My food addiction stemmed from a traumatic childhood that I won't go into detail about here. Essentially, I subconsciously put on weight for a purpose. Sadly, it didn't work, so I ended up continuing to eat to fill the painful void. I started putting on large amounts of weight by the time I was seven. Yes. SEVEN.

As a latchkey kid, I was never given limits on what I could or couldn't eat after school. I'd eat two mini pizzas, a whole box of macaroni and cheese, or a half a bag of potato chips for an after school snack. And then at dinner, I'd eat an entire plate filled to the rim with food, simply because my older brother would take whatever was left, and not leave anything for seconds or leftovers (I guess that was a form of self-preservation).

After I moved out of the house, I went to Austin where I got into some heavy legal trouble. Additionally, I was living with a (so I thought) friend that was manipulative and verbally abusive. In fact, she was the reason for all the legal trouble. After a year, I moved back home to my folks, but the depression and worthlessness were still in tact - full force. Again, I ate. By the time I was 21 years old, I was 240 lbs. Years passed, and I continued to put on weight - slowly but surely. When I had my daughter at 28 I was about 265. I stayed around the same weight until I met my husband about a year and a half later. After we moved in together and we got married, I gained even more weight. When I became pregnant with my second child, I was up to 280, roughly. After his birth, I went into a period of a kind of postpartum depression, and within five months time, I had put on 30 lbs to reach 310 lbs! I think I just now realized that I was depressed. Looking back now, I must have been. My house was terrible, I looked awful, I slept all the time, when I wasn't sleeping I was eating . . . I was depressed for sure.

Food had become my enemy, but I wasn't ready yet to relinquish all control.

Something Leanne said was that she finally realized that "It's only food! It isn't Love! It's not God!"(8). It would take me a while yet to find that realization.

Want to know exactly what Marla and Leanne say in their book? Buy it for yourself!

When the GOOD cravings kick in . . .

You know, every so often, I CRAVE healthy food.  Like this weekend, for example.  DH and I were camping with a few of our best friends, one of which takes over the cooking for everyone.  He is an amazing cook.  But what he choses to cook isn't exactly the healthiest of foods.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE his sausage and potatoes, hamburgers, sausage and beans, and so-on. But this weekend, I was actually CRAVING healthier fare - fruit, turkey burgers, salad . . . THAT'S what I wanted to eat. Not so good for me this weekend (although the food, as always, WAS amazing), but it made me realize something. When faced with the prospect of not having a choice in the matter, I CRAVED the healthier things.  This tells me something about my body - I want NUTRITIOUS food - not junk (although I did crave a Twix today like you wouldn't believe).  I am starting to hear what my body wants and needs and relate to food from that perspective, rather than from the perspective of comfort or boredom.  I like this change.  I welcome it, and thank God for it.  I am ready for it!

So . . . What CAN we eat?

I am food-obsessed.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I love to cook, I love to write, read, and re-write recipes, I love to research food trends and fads.  And, obviously, I love to eat.  Recently I've gotten on a kick of watching documentaries about food.  Lately I watched "Food, Inc.". This movie really got me paranoid.  Then I started REALLY thinking . . .

Experts are all different.  And they have different viewpoints.  One expert says to not eat fat, one to not eat carbs.  One says to only eat whole, organic foods, while another one will tell you that processed foods are not only okay, but good for you.  There's the south beach diet, the Atkins diet, weight watchers, spark people, the grapefruit diet, the Eden diet, and so on, and so forth.  The point is they all say something different.  If you look at what all these doctors say and put it all together you are left with only one question.  So . . . What CAN I eat?

Bread and pasta are a given now days.  Unless it's whole grain, don't eat it.  So, no white anything.  Oh, wait a sec . . . Wheat gluten is bad for a lot of people now . . . okay, so only products made with corn, rice, or soy products . . . Oh, can't do that b/c all these farmers are using pesticides and genetic enhancement on their corn and soy beans! Hmm . . . well, meat isn't bad, right?

Well, for years "experts" have been saying to not eat fat, so we'll start with that.  No fat.  That means only lean meat such as poultry breast, lean beef, fish, and lean pork. Oops!  Wait, can't eat that because it's processed in factories that support cruelty to animals and their products are all genetically enhanced.  Leaves meat off the list. Fruit and veggies!  Surely THOSE are good for me!

BUT only non-starchy ones which leaves off potatoes, bananas, plantains, apples, corn, beans, and peas.  Oh, yeah, those silly pesticides are back.  And the genetic enhancements.  Well, dang, leaves off vegetables.

So, to solve this we can just eat all organic right?  WRONG!  Guess what?  Those "organic" companies are still allowed to use a certain amount of chemical pesticides, and for the ones that use only organic pesticides, well, some of those are just as dangerous as the chemical toxins!

So, that leaves us at square one.  What's a girl to do?

Some advice?  Fuggitaboutit.

If we spend all our time worrying about what we're eating and where it comes from, we'll go crazy.  I'm not saying that you should stock up on Twinkies and totino's pizza.  But I'm saying that when it comes to healthy food, you can't worry about that kind of thing or it will sabotage your efforts.  Great rule of thumb is this, "If it grows in the ground or you can pick it off a tree, chances are it's good for you."  That's a great place to start.  Focusing on that, and on the foods that God provided us is far better.  God gave us wonderful meats, vegetables, and fruits to love and enjoy.  He blessed us with the knowledge to create things such as flours and cheeses out of these.  Eat what God gave us.

Sure, you should still stay away from the really processed foods most of the time, but every once in a while a girl's gotta have a slice of Meat lover's pizza or a piece of four layer chocolate torte. If you eat well most of the time, and splurge every once in a while, you'll do so much better.  Don't limit yourself to what you can eat, what you should eat, or what you NEED to eat.  Focus on your hunger and God's bounty.

Where was that saddle again?

So, did I accomplish my goals last week? Well . . . no. But I DID improve! Which, for me, kinda says a lot.

Lose two pounds? Nope. Didnt' even lose one.

Exercise twice? Not twice, I did once, though.

Two bottles of water every day? Does sugar free tea count?

Read lables and measure? Uh . . . no. Well, I read labels.

Am I disappointed? Well, okay, maybe a little bit. But I am also proud. Why? Well, first of all, I DID exercise one day. That is something I haven't done in months. Also, I have cut down on my diet coke consumption considerably. Rather than drinking it all day, every day, I have limited myself to one a day. And stuck to it! So, in the darkness there is still a shimmering light.

So, my goals for this week?

Lose 2 lbs.

Exercise 2 x's this week

2 bottles of water every day

Read labels and THINK about measuring.

By the way, my future sister-in-law, Daniella? She's going to be my inspiration. She lost SIX pounds last week! That means I have a little catching up to do, doesn't it?

Accountability . . .

You know what makes me madder than anything? When people don't hold themselves accountable for their weight issues.

"Boo-hoo . . . I have a glandular problem" says one person as they shove an extra large sized candy bar down their gullet.

"Waah, my mother and father were fat" says another while loading up on a supersized Big Mac meal from McDonald's (with the tell-tale diet coke).

"It's not my fault - my mommy made me clean my plate and only cooked deep fried pork fat" says another while eating a bag of pork rinds (in essence . . . deep fried pork fat).

Okay, folks, KNOCK IT OFF!!!

I AM FAT.
I MADE MYSELF THIS WAY.
I CHOSE TO EAT CHOCOLATE CAKE, ICE CREAM, PIZZA, DEEP FRIED, BREADED, AND/OR FATTY FOOD AND LOTS OF IT.
I CHOSE TO NOT STOP EATING WHEN I WAS FULL.
I CHOSE TO EAT ONE MEAL AT 5:30 AND THEN ANOTHER ONE AT 9:00.
I MADE THESE CHOICES. NOT MY GLANDS. NOT MY PARENTS. NOT MY HERITAGE.
ME.
FAT, OBESE, 300 POUND ME ME ME ME ME!!!

Look, I know we can't all be Kate Hudson/Cindy Crawford/Hillary Duff or whoever your personal latest "it" girl is. Quite frankly, I don't want to be. I want to be healthy. In order to do this, I have to hold myself accountable for everything I do (or don't do). If I eat that extra helping of mashed potatoes IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If I eat that entire cheesecake in one sitting IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If I chose to NOT get on that bike today IT'S MY OWN FAULT. If you can't hold yourself accountable for your actions, then you WILL NOT BE SUCCESSFUL!! Not just in weight loss, but in LIFE as well!!

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

Why Wynonna, Why??

I recently saw a commercial that REALLY upset me. A LOT.

I am a HUGE Wynonna Judd fan. I have been ever since I was Emily's size. I love her. When i was younger I wanted to BE her. But I was really disappointed when I saw her beautiful face on a commercial for Alli - a new diet drug.

In my opinion, when you turn to diet pills and/or surgery (Editor's Note: **for those that are MORBIDLY obese, this doesn't apply to you. Just to those that only need to lose 50-70 lbs**), you are saying "I give up" or "I don't want to work for it, I just want to be thin". Regardless of how many people it has "helped" or what their "guidelines are" or even if they are approved by the FDA or not. Bottom line is this. As soon as you are OFF the pills, the weight WILL COME BACK. Your body will become accustomed to the pill, and when you come off it, it won't be able to handle things on it's own. It has been scientifically proven .

I am so sad that Wynonna has fallen into this trap.

Oh the mighty temptations . . .

Bacon. I love it. I can't help it, it's probably one of my favorite foods. And I'm sorry, that crap that Butterball tries to pass off as "Bacon" just doesn't cut it.

Chocoalte. Another one I can't live without. Yummm . . .

It has been three weeks without bacon. At the end of week four I'm treating myself to a giant bacon sandwich. Yum.

So what does this have to do with dieting? Aha, dear reader, I shall tell you!

COMPLETE DENIAL LEADS TO FAILURE

This is something the diet companies don't want you to know. They want you to THINK you have to deny yourself in order to lose weight. That way, when you fail, you come right back to them to lose weight again. And again. And again.

The way I see it is this - you HAVE to allow yourself a treat every now and again. Okay, so maybe chocolate every day isn't the solution, LOL. But a bacon sandwich once a month IS. Knowing that I will be able to have that sandwich in one, two, three, or four weeks is enough to keep me going. If I save up all those months worth of "bacon points" every month, it is going to be SO worth it!!

That works on a daily basis too. I eat my egg white and turkey sausage sandwich or bowl of oatmaeal in the morning knwoing that I will be able to have those cinnemon rolls or that ham and cheese omelette on Sunday.

Now, I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. I still screw up. Somtimes daily. But I'm learning. I'm learning that it's not about counting calories or points. It's not about consistantly denying myself over and over again. It's about eating 80% good, wholesome, healthy food on a daily basis, getting in at least 15 minutes of activity a day, and drinking at least three bottles of water a day. I don't have any idea if I've lost weight over the last couple of weeks - I haven't been on a scale. But I do know I feel better. I'm more active. I'm more awake. My back pain has diminished greatly. This, right now, is enough for me. In a couple of weeks when I'm used to all this, I'll add something more. Maybe another 15 minutes of activity or 3 bottles of water. Maybe more fruits and veggies and less meat. We'll see.

For now, I'll just fight the daily temptations that rear their ugly heads.
Darn you, chocolate!

The fat that leads us . . .

I had my final piece of crispy bacon . . .

It was soooooooo gooood . . .

The problem is, now that I know that was my LAST ONE (not ever mind you, just on a daily basis), now I want more!!

I have to admit, though, I am looking forward to Canadian Bacon and Egg white omelettes again. Call me crazy, but I actually enjoyed those things. Especially with a lot of pepper. Don't know why, but pepper makes the omelette!!

This weekend and the week that follows are going to be challenging though. I have Ronnie's babies all week - well at least for two days while he's at work. I don't THINK it'll be that bad . . . but then, I've thought that before.

So I have to work up a schedule for them too. And an eating plan. Is it fair for them to have cereal and milk while I have Canadian bacon and egg whites . . .

Wait, did I really ask that question? LOL - DUH . . . but then, if it's cold enough maybe I'll make us all oatmeal! Mmmm . . . yummy cinnamon oatmeal . . .

SHE'S BACK!

I wasn't dieting for a while - There was a lot of stress in our house for a while. While that's no excuse, sometimes it's cheaper to buy the bad stuff than the good stuff . . . so there you have it. And counting points and calories when you are stressed just doesn't help the stress level. So we put it aside.

I am no longer doing weight watchers. Not because I didn't love it - I did - but because I can no longer afford it. Although, I do have the "tools" - a journal, points calculator, couple of books, cookbooks . . . so I think I can do it on my own for a while. I do have a support system here, so I think I'll be okay.

That being said, I did maintain my weight loss, so I start over again exactly 11 pounds lighter than I was when I began the journey. That's a score for me. So now that the holidays and the new year is upon us, I have a few commitments to make.

Now I can say with full honesty that I WILL make cookies, and that I WILL eat a few - well maybe more than a few. But really, that's nothing compared to the crap I have been eating.

Everyone says that a good starting point is "positive affirmations". Well, it has been my experience that most of those are pretty hokey, so I made up a few of my own!

I will only buy Canadian bacon for myself. Everyone else can have sausage or bacon. I like the leaner stuff anyways.

Veggies are my friend, and there are some good winter ones out there that I love anyway!

Scrambled eggs with peas and mushrooms are actually pretty good - and I get a veggie in that way. Now all I have to do is omit some of the yolks and I'm good to go!

Counting calories suck. I just need to watch what I'm putting into my mouth - I've known this for years, now it's time to practice it.

Exercise isn't going to kill me. NOT exercising WILL.

I can do this. I KNOW I can do this.

It's not about being THIN it's about being HEALTHY.